Wishful Thinking
by Riffle-Shuffle
Summary: During a late night Lab 8 game of UNO between guys, Leduc comes to a shocking realization, the Skullheart can only grant wishes for Women. But then the guys gets to thinking "How can it tell if it's a guy or a girl?". One-shot based off a comic by Persona. Contains humour.


Wishful Thinking

"So then I'm just there, it's like, 2 AM in the morning, and Peacock is _still_ going on with her list of possible wishes. I think at one point she said something about turning all the world's oxygen into Chocolate, or turning all the scientists in lab 8 into cartoons. I'm telling you guys, she's something else"

"Lay off her, Leduc, she's only 13"

"Yeah Bro, I mean, little girls, they're always thinking what-ifs and stuff. I used to have a little sister y'know. She'd always start her sentences with "I wish". ' _I wish I didn't have so much homework_ ' ' _I wish Adam at school liked me, he's in the black egrets_ ' ' _I wish I could look like Eliza'_ ' _I wish you'd stop shouting in the house when I have friends over, Beowulf, and get a real job_ '".

"I-I think we got the point, Beowulf"

The four men sat around the table, playing an uneventful, sober match of UNO. Ben usually wasn't one for Leduc's Family Fun Nights, but he had had a rough day. He decided to invite Beowulf as well, a friend he had made on the field. The eccentric Wrestler had originally struck him as a washed-up Medici hitman type, but they had quickly developed a friendship after numerous coincidental run-ins at the Milk aisle in the grocery store.

Stanley usually didn't join either, much as he'd like to be included in any fun activites going on in Lab 8. He always attempted to be "the cool scientist" and fit in with the ASG patients, although they were quick to refuse him. But this had been a special occasion, as the usual players, Peacock and Hive, were out with Illeum recovering scraps of research in Lab 4, much to Peacock's dismay.

"C'mon Shellhead, I got plans for tonight! They're finally re-airing The Animaniacs Movie! I need ta see it again! I haven't memorized the script yet! All the fans in the Animaniacs forum can recite the script by heart an I can't cuz I'm out huntin Skullgirls all the time!" She pleaded.

"Peacock, we need your Arguzzzzzz zzzyzzztem to see into the wreckage" Hive chided.

"She's right, Peacock. You're the most suited for this mission. Plus, with Hive and I with you, I'm sure we can make something fun of it"

"We could havvvve a Girlzzz Night out!" Hive exclaimed.

"Ah great, It's not enough I'm missing my favourite movie, but now they're probably gonna make me go shoppin with em!" Peacock groaned as she was dragged away by an enthusiastic Hive.

With the girls gone, Leduc had found himself with nobody to play Twister with, until the guys all volunteered to join him for the night if they could just play a simple game of cards. The closest thing Lab 8 had to a deck was Uno, so UNO it was.

"I suppose it couldn't hurt to have a list of what you'd wish for if you ever found a genie or The Skullheart" Leduc thought out loud.

"Just remember, our job's to stop Skullhearts, not wish on em"

"Wait, doesn't he know?" Stanley half-whispered to Beowulf and Big Band.

"Know what?" Leduc questioned. Big Band and Beowulf gave similarly curious glances.

"Y'know, how the Skullheart has that… _one rule_ " Stanley vaguely whispered.

"Oh yeah, if you make a corrupt wish, you get turned into the Skullgirl. Duh. That's like, beginner ASG training classes" Leduc confidently answered.

"No I think he means the one about… Y'know, _guys and stuff_ " Beowulf guessed. Stanley nodded, and the three men understood.

"Wait what? What about Guys? What rule does the Skullheart have about guys?"

"He really doesn't know?" Beowulf turned to Big Band, who raised his elbows nonchalantly, hoping to focus on the game.

"Don't know what!? Guys, c'mon" Leduc pleaded.

After another minute of Leduc asking and Beowulf and Stanley's probing stares at Leduc and Big Band, he finally sighed, shook his head and spoke up.

"I guess the Doc was hoping to keep him in the dark about this kinda stuff. I remember back in the old days of the ASG Labs, they wouldn't even let the units know the Skullheart could grant wishes at all. Avian was real passionate about killing Skullgirls, he wanted his units to only know the bad things. Didn't want any of the females double crossing us and wishin on it"

"Alright alright Gramps enough with the war stories!" Leduc interrupted uncharacteristically.

"The point of that, Leduc, is that a lot of us at Lab 8 have been workin hard to keep your childhood as good as your new body. We've neglected telling you some things as a result"

"Wait, no… You mean…?"

"Yep, The Easter Bunny doesn't actually visit Lab 8-"

" _WRESTLING IS FAKE!?_ " The two said at the same time.

"Wait wha-"

"NO! DON'T SAY THAT! WRESTLING IS REAL! _AROOOOOOOO!_ " Beowulf, triggered at Leduc's outburst, had jumped onto his chair, The Hurting and held his head high in a prolonged Wolf howl. The _real_ kind. The kind he gave his Wulfpack back in the golden days. The good, deep, "don't worry, it's all okay. The Wulfman guarantees Wrestling is real" kind he'd do for the little Wulfsters. The kind he really felt. _The best kind_.

"Leduc, wh-what I think Ben is trying to say is-" Stanley chimed in, attempting to restore balance to the game.

Both Big Band and Stanley took a deep breath,

"The Skullheart doesn't grant wishes for men. It's exclusively available to women"

Beowulf had calmed down, back to sitting on The Hurting. He put a reassuring hand on Leduc's shoulder as the teenage ASG soldier took it in. He was silent for a minute, his gaze wide but his mouth speechless. Then, he spoke,

"B-but, I though you said… The Big Bad Wulf, on Annie of the Stars, doesn't he try and stop Annie cause he's after the Skullheart? He wanted to wish for a sandwhich, right?"

"Actually" Beowulf chimed in, matter-of-factly, "That's a common fan interpretation. The real story behind the Big Bad Wulf that the scriptwriters originally planned is that he was once a fan of Annie, and when he saw her entering his forest, he really wanted her autograph. Ever since then he's been following her and trying to get her attention"

"And you know this how?" Stanley questioned.

"I uh, y'know… The guy who uh… played the Big Bad Wulf… he was uh… my friend. Wiglaaf? Yeah, Wiglaaf".

" _Wiglaaf_? That is such a made-up name" Big Band chuckled and shook his head.

"It's True!" Beowulf argued, secretly embarrassed of the truth.

"Wait a second, now I remember!" Stanley exclaimed, "Beowulf, you played him, didn't you?"

"Did not!" he denied.

"Did too. I remember when I told Peacock we were friends she said the only thing she remembered you for was the Bad Wulfman from Annie of the Stars" Big Band added. " _Brickhouse, Stanley!_ " he noticed the shark Scientist with only one card, earning the frustration of his fellow ASG unit.

"Rrrrrggghhh I caN'T BELIEVE YOU GUYS LIED TO ME! I GREW UP ALL THIS TIME THINKING IT WAS THE WEIRDEST THING THAT THERE WAS A WOMAN SKULLGIRL 3 YEARS IN A ROW! IT WASN'T A COINCIDENCE AT ALL!"

"Well, it's called a SkullGIRL, Leduc. You ever heard of a _Skullboy_?" Beowulf replied.

"NO! I MEAN, I THOUGHT IT WAS POSSIBLE!"

"What do you think ASG stands for, Leduc?" Stanley asked.

"Anti-Skullheart Guerrilas, right?" Leduc unsurely answered.

"No, it stands for Anti-Skullgirl" Stanley corrected him.

"Th-That's just stupid! _Skullgirl_ isn't even two words!" Leduc denied.

"Well if it's called a Skull _girl_ , What do you think happens when a guy wishes on it?" Beowulf added.

"I-I dunno! Like, he changes genders, maybe? I've never given it much thought, okay?"

"Well, now you know" Big Band drew another card, and went back to playing the game.

"Man, but it does kinda suck that guys can't wish on the Skullheart. I mean, I know I'd just wish for World Peace, y'know?" Leduc added, "Why do you think nobody's ever tried that? It's foolproof, I swear".

"I dunno. I think Queen Nancy wished for that at one point" Beowulf replied, "Wait no, She asked for an 'end to the war' if I remember right. And when the Skullgirl ravaged all three kingdoms, she technically got that wish. Man, poor wording, am I right?"

"It would seem as though everytime another victim wishes on the Skullheart, they pick something petty and easily corruptible" Stanley mumbled.

"Got anything to say on that, Mr. Oldest in the room?" Beowulf teased Big Band "C'mon, Big Ben, lay some wisdom on us"

"A women always lets her emotions do the thinkin for her, I reckon" Big Band dropped, then smirked and layed down another card onto the pile "Draw 4! Hah!" The serious figure of Lab 8 exclaimed, getting surprisingly into the game.

"Aw man, I only had 2 more!" Beowulf groaned.

"You know what I'd wish if I could wield the Skullheart?" Stanley asked, expectantly. After 1 minute of silence, he continued "I'd wish for there to be no more Skullgirls. It's totally incorruptible".

"I think it's more complicated than that, Stan" Big Band replied, "but I get your vibe. I'd wish for a future with no corruption. You wouldn't believe the things I'd seen before they stuck me in this Iron Lung".

" _I'd wish for a Wild Card_ " Beowulf mumbled under his breath, earning hearty chuckles from the other players.

"Man, I still don't get it, tho. How does the Skullheart tell if you're a guy or a girl? What about transgenders? You said there were people who could change genders back in Lab 5, right Big Band?"

"He has a point, Ben. Now that I think about it, nobody's ever researched how the Skullheart distinguishes it's host" Stanley pondered.

"I dunno, Stanley. I don't ask em, I just bash em," Ben replied.

"Wai-wai-wait, _Hold on_. You telling me that there's no concrete evidence or explanation on how the Skullheart tells genders?" Beowulf asked.

"Not that I know of, no" Stanley replied, curious as to where Beowulf was going with this.

"Oh my god, so if like, I dressed up in a skirt and bow and talked in a girly accent, the Skullheart would let me wish on it?"

"Pffft, _ahahahaha!"_ Stanley broke into laughter, tears streaming down the shark's eyes.

"No guys, we should totally try that!" Leduc pressed, "I mean, you said it yourself, nobody's tried it before!"

All three of the men ceased their laughter and stared at Leduc.

"Leduc, I also said that our job's to destroy the Skullheart. Ain't nobody jeapordizing the mission and New Meridian on my watch. Especially not an ASG unit, for crying out loud" Big Band sternly replied.

"Yeah dude, I mean, I was just joking" Beowulf added.

"But how could I possibly jeapordize the mission or put anyone in danger?" Leduc asked, "You just told me that men can't wish on the Skullheart or become Skullgirls!"

"Leduc, listen to m-"

"That's how the Skullheart does it's damage. It exploits the wish of it's host and turns them into Skullgirls! But I'm not a girl!" Leduc excitedly continued.

"Well, when he puts it that way" Beowulf half-looked at the others.

"Look, I'll go up to it in a girly dress, wish for World Peace, best case scenario it believes me and grants the wish, worst case scenario it discovers I'm a guy and then what? It can't make me a Skullgirl. It's totally safe!"

" _Pluuuuusss_ " Leduc turned to Stanley, "it's a great research opportunity. We've never documented what happens when a man attempts to wish on the Skullheart!" He persuasively added.

Stanley, Big Band and Beowulf all looked at each other for what seemed like forever, the idea slowly settling itself in. Finally, Big Band glared at Leduc, and answered "Leduc, I swear to Trinity, If this backfires, you better hope you wished for a time machine to go back to now and stop yourself 'for I whup your ass"

"Is that a yes? Leduc excitedly asked.

Big Band nodded, and Leduc sprung up and threw fist pumps in the air. "We're goin on a miss-ion. We're goin on a miss-ion!" he sang.

Beowulf immediately got up, folded his chair, and sprinted out after saying "I'll get the dresses and wigs".

He returned momentarily and set a single card on the table "Almost forgot. UNO!" He cried out, before sprinting back.

It took a day or two of searching, but they had finally found the Skullheart, dormant beneath the rubble that remained of the Grand Cathedral.

Outside the ruins' room itself, the four men stood, makeup and all, going back over the plan.

Big Band briefed the bunch "Leduc, you go in and introduce yourself. Beowulf, you're behind him as backup in case things go south. Me and Stan'll be here, and you can signal us if you're feeling jittery. Remember, no matter how ridiculous it looks, this is a VERY SERIOUS MISSION"

"Did I have to wear the corset? I swear this thing's way too tight."

"Yes, Stanley"

"Do bras usually feel this uncomfortable?" Beowulf asked.

"I don't know man do I look like I've worn a bra before?!"

"Alright alright, I'm ready, let's do this." Leduc decidedly said.

Leduc and Beowulf cautiously approached the dormant Skullheart, floating solemnly in the makeshift room provided by the debris of the Grand Cathedral.

" **WHO APPROACHES ME AS I REGAIN MY STRENGTH?** " The Skullheart suddenly awoke.

Leduc, wearing a pair of designer jeans, a cute Hot Topic tee adorned with hearts and a frilly pink scarf, stammered, semi-panicking "Uh-uhhhh, it is I! Lea-Duke! I like flowers, slumber parties and cute boys!" He said in a mock high-pitch voice.

" **AND WHO IS THAT BY YOUR SIDE?** "

Beowulf, sporting a bow, long sleeved sweater to cover his hairy arms and muscles and a bra, spoke up in a surprisingly feminine tone "It's just me, uuumm, Beawulf! I like Mani-Pedis, Long walks on the beach, and pumpkin spice lattes!"

" **AND WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF YOUR PRESENCE?** "

"We've come to wish on the Skullheart, as we are two perfectly usual girls who can do that!" Beawulf replied.

" **I SENSE OTHER PRESENCES IN THESE RUINS, ARE THEY MORE OF YOURS?** "

"Uhhhm, they're just our, uh, friends. Yeah" Lea-Duke reassured it.

" **LET THEM REVEAL THEMSELVES** "

Beawulf did the sign, and Big Band, wearing a large women's coat, lots of makeup and a frilly hat marched slowly inside, followed by Stanley, wearing a corset, high heels and lipstick.

"This is uh, Big Betty, and Stacey" Lea-duke introduced them.

"I do believe I enjoy shopping, jewellery and… urgh" Big Betty gagged on the words, before spitting them out for the sake of the mission "… _Pop music_ "

"And I just love ponies and fashion!" Stacey added.

" **I CAN ONLY GRANT ONE WISH. THE FOUR OF YOU HERE CREATES A PROBLEM** "

"Uh-um, I'd like to make the wish, please" Lea-Duke announced.

" **IS THAT SO, LEA-DUKE?** "

"Uhhm, yes" Lea-duke, sweating profusely, nervously answered.

" **WELL THEN, CHILD, LET ME HEAR YOUR HEART'S DESIRE** "

"Uhh, I'd like, uh, World Peace., please"

" **I COULD NOT HEAR YOU. WHAT DID YOU REQUEST?** "

"World peace?"

" **SPEAK LOUDER, CHILD** "

" _I said I wish for World Peace!_ " Leduc yelled, accidentally losing his feminine pitch.

" **A-HA! YOU WERE MEN! I HAD MY DOUBTS WHEN YOU ALL CAME IN HERE WEARING THE MOST AWFUL CLOTHING I'D EVER SEEN, BUT I WAS LIKE 'NOBODY WOULD REALLY DO THAT, GET 2 OF THEIR FRIENDS TO JOIN THEM IN FAKE GIRL DISGUISES AND TRY TO WISH ON THE SKULLHEART'. I MEAN, IT'S NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE FOR A REASON, YOU KNOW!** "

"What!? Are you for real?" Leduc replied, throwing his scarf to the ground.

" **I ALSO NOTICED THAT YOU WERE HIGHLY UNSUSPECTIBLE TO MY INFLUENCE** "

"Man, this was a total bummerfest" Beowulf sighed, removing his bow.

"Yeah Leduc, way to go" Big Band wheeled off.

"Wait! C'mon! You've gotta grant this wish! You said you would!" Leduc pleaded with the Skullheart.

" **AHAHAHAHA** ** _NO._** **LEAVE NOW, BOY** "

"Aww man" Leduc held his head low and left.

" **AS FOR YOU, PRETTY LADY. SPEAK TO ME, WHAT IS YOUR HEART'S DESIRE?** "

"Wh-What!? Me?" Stacey looked around her.

" **YES, STACEY. I CAN GRANT YOUR HEART'S DEEPEST WISH. COME CLO-** "

"I'M A GUY TOO!" Stanley exclaimed as he removed his expensive sunglasses and corset, wiping off his lipstick.

" **OH MY TRINITY, REALLY?** "

Stanley disappointingly mumbled a few curses as he attempted to regain his hurt sense of masculinity, tailing off behind the others.

" **THAT WAS CLOSE. GOOD THING THAT HOT SHARK WAS TOO CONCERNED WITH HIS MASCULINITY TO TRY ACTUALLY WISHING FOR WORLD PEACE** " The Skullheart said to itself, and resumed it's dormant state.

The boys returned to lab 8 after dropping off Beowulf, having lost the motivation to change back into their original clothes. They entered the door to the main lab only to be greeted by a surge of scientists and the girls themselves, having returned from Lab 4.

"Wowza, looks like I MISSED MORE THAN MY MOVIE, AMIRITE HIVE?" Peacock turned to Hive for a Hive-Five. The cartoon enthusiast was wearing a new dress in striped black and white, and sported a new haircut.

Illeum blushed slightly under her mask "Uhm. Hello Ben. Don't worry, no explanation necessary, I think we've seen quite enough" Illeum herded the Lab 8 children away from the boys.

Stanley would forever be mocked for that day by his fellow scientists, Big Band vowed to whup Leduc's ass and Leduc still can't believe how close he was to granting World Peace, even though nobody believed him and Big Band and Stanley denied it ever happening.

THE END.


End file.
